THIS isn't obvious

When I was six years old, I discovered where meat came from. At which I was very upset and wanted to stop eating it. However, this wasn't allowed at the time, because it would have been inconvenient for the adults; and, in any case, as I've already mentioned previously, children weren't allowed choices as a matter of general principle (I'm pretty sure I've told you I wasn't allowed any choice at all over what I wore till I was eleven, and even then it was somewhat limited).

So I had to wait till I went to university, at which point I promptly stopped eating meat; though I did still eat fish for a while unless it was factory-farmed. I didn't become fully vegan until after I was ill, and that was for two major reasons. The first, and by far the more important, was that I discovered that dairy products do, in fact, involve killing animals, specifically newborn calves; and I had an issue with that. But it had also been becoming increasingly apparent that dairy fat doesn't agree very well with my digestive system, and, given that the said digestive system came within an ace of killing me, I don't feel inclined to upset it if I can avoid doing so.

And I am doing extremely well on a vegan diet, to the extent that I really wish I'd adopted it decades ago. Having said that, I'm not going to preach veganism to the world; while it is certainly a very healthy diet, and an environmentally friendly one at that, I'm also very much aware that it's not for everyone. Different people are set up differently. If any of you are interested, I'll happily encourage you and answer any questions, but I won't push it.

By now you may be wondering: why am I talking about veganism on a craft blog? Ah, well, you see, sometimes you have to get unexpectedly creative. And it's not necessarily where you might think.

I am quite a fan of fake meats. (Actually I didn't much like most meats, but that was largely due to the fat rather than the actual flavour, which explains why I did like chicken and turkey, which are leaner than red meats.) Apparently there have been rumours put about that they're unhealthy because they're over-processed; it's true that they're quite heavily processed, but there have been scientific investigations done on this very issue, and no health risk has been found to be associated with them. Partly this is because they are, of course, 100% plant-based, and partly they don't contain any of the usual weird additives typically found in highly processed foods. They're great for me because they have all the things I did like about meat without that nasty greasy overlay, which always tasted faintly rancid to me no matter how fresh it actually was. And one of my favourite brands of fake meat is called THIS. It's brilliant branding; you can buy THIS Isn't Chicken, THIS Isn't Beef Mince, THIS Isn't Pork Cocktail Sausages, and I believe also THIS Isn't Bacon (but I've never bought that, just in case it tastes like bacon, which I always really hated). There may be a few others, as well. I regularly buy the first two. The not-chicken goes in a curry at the weekend, and then the not-beef-mince gets turned into "pasta thing" on Monday; in both cases I get two helpings, so I don't have to bother cooking on Sunday when I get back from church, or on Wednesday if it's a food bank week (the pasta thing will keep in the fridge quite happily till then).

Now, they tell you that you can't microwave THIS, but in fact you can, just so long as it's completely covered in whatever sauce you're using; otherwise, it tends to dry out. But here's the rub. As I've mentioned before, I don't have a conventional cooker, so I can't pre-boil normal pasta very easily (I suppose I could do it in the microwave, but trying to get the timings sorted out would be a bit of a challenge). So I use something called ZenB Pasta Agile, which is made from yellow peas and has the great virtue that you can just throw it into whatever dish you're cooking, add a little extra water if necessary (it doesn't need so much as conventional pasta, but obviously it does absorb some), stick the whole thing in the microwave for three minutes, bring it out, and lo and behold, you have perfectly cooked pasta.

Which is great, but it takes longer than three minutes in the microwave to cook THIS Isn't Beef Mince properly. So I have to pre-cook it in the air fryer. When I originally started doing this, it was inclined to burn a little on top; so the obvious thing was to cover it. I put a disc of greaseproof paper on top of it, but that was a disaster. The fan in the air fryer blew it all over the place until it hit the element, where, of course, it stuck and burnt. Not so good.

I tried weighting it down with various things, but that tended to mean it would lift at the edges and the mince would burn there. So I went on eBay to look for a 15 cm wooden disc, because, really, what can't you get on eBay?

And now you have the explanation for the photo. The mince (mixed with a little oil and a goodly splash of non-alcoholic Shiraz - sadly I can't do alcohol these days because of my medication, but this Shiraz is excellent) goes in the container. The disc of greaseproof paper goes on top of the mince, and the wooden disc goes on top of that. I do it for ten minutes at 190 C, and it comes out beautifully cooked and satisfyingly unburnt. Meanwhile I'm roasting the veg in the microwave. Once the mince comes out, I just put everything together, mix well, stick it in the microwave for the statutory three minutes to ensure that the pasta is cooked, and Bjorn Stronginthearm is your uncle.

I was so pleased I e-mailed the people at THIS to tell them about it, and they credited me with "next-level kitchen engineering". Well, in fact I just mucked about till I came up with a solution, but I'll take the compliment!